Praising effort, not achievement

Today was my son's first Cross Country Run. He started out giving it some effort, but gave up half way round and walked the rest of the way. Afterwards he was visibly upset and didn't want to join in with the class photo. He told me that he didn't want to as another child won and he wanted to win. It was an opportunity to verbalise emotions like sadness and disappointment, but it was also an opportunity to praise him for his effort, and to make him see that finishing was an achievement in itself, and that he won a ribbon for trying his best.

I can't help but feel partly responsible for his disappointment at not winning, although through good intentions. We have been guilty in the past of praising him for his achievements, especially when we're really proud of his natural talents of which he has many, some of which his parents don't posess.

Psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman agrees that we have a culture where praise is strongly encouraged. "Almost every manual on good parenting promotes the power of praise, with some self-help gurus suggesting the single best thing you can do for your child is to build up their self-esteem by constantly giving compliments. Tell your children how intelligent they are when they pass an exam. Congratulate them on their artistic streak when they produce a nice drawing... The idea has enormous intuitive appeal. Always tell the little ones they are wonderful and surely they will grow up into confident and happy people."

I felt that encouragement was positive and we should praise him at every opportunity, I didn't realise that I could be setting him up for a fall. But Professor Wiseman gives us a note of caution. "There is however, just one small problem with this rather utopian view of the human psyche. Research suggests that telling a child that they are bright and talented is a terrible thing to do."

As Dr John Medina writes in his book "Brain Rules for Baby", praising IQ can be halmful and, as most of us are painfully aware, success comes from determination and hard graft. He tells the story of a boy called Ethan.

"Ethan's parents constantly told him how brainy he was. 'You're so smart! You can do anything, Ethan. We're so proud of you,' they would say every time he sailed through a math test.Or a spelling test.Or any test. With the best of intentions, they consistently tethered Ethan's accomplishment to some innate charateristic of his intellectual prowess. Researchers call this 'appealing to fixed mindsets'. The parents had no idea that this form of praise was toxic." And neither did I. Ethan associated any achievement with no effort. When he did come across subjects which required effort he didn't understand that with a little effort he could achieve more, that these were opportunities for improvement. As John Medina puts it Ethan felt "he was smart because he could  mysteriously grasp things quickly. If he could no longer grasp things quickly, what did that imply? That he was no longer smart. Since he didn't know the ingredients making him successsful, he didn't know what to do when he failed. You don't have to hit that brick wall very often before you get discouraged, then depressed. Quite simply, Ethan quit trying. His grades collapsed."

Professor Wiseman agrees and there are many studies to prove it. In his book "59 Seconds: Think a little, change a lot" Wiseman goes on to write about one such study carried out by Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck from Columbia University during the 1990's. To read more about this I recommend Richard Wiseman's book 

The outcome of the study confirmed what Ethan's parents discovered, and what I have found with my own child. To quote Wiseman, "Why should praise have counter-intuitive and counter-productive effects? According to Mueller and Dweck, there are several factors at work. Telling a child that they are intelligent might make them feel good, but can induce a fear of failure, causing the child to avoid challenging situations because they might look bad if they are not successful. In addition telling a child that they are intelligent suggests they do not need to work hard to perform well. Because of this, children may be less motivated to make the required effort and be more likely to fail." In combination with a high-reactive child, this can be disastrous as they feel so helpless and can withdraw further.

So what can we do about this "fixed mindset"? Instead of praising children for being clever or naturally good at something, we should say "well done, you tried really hard". this is called "growth mindset" praise.

Professor Richard Wiseman agrees with this approach. He writes that growth midest praise "encourages them [children] to try regardless of the consequences, therefore sidestepping any fear of failure. This in turn makes them especially likely to attempt challenging problems, find these problems more enjoyable, and try to solve them in their own time."

I hope that it is not too late for my own son who is already 5, but I have noticed a change in him and his gained confidence since we have started praising his effort, but as this morning's events attest, we still have a way to go.

Impulse Control

I am very proud of the impulse control that my eldest son displayed this morning. He is currently 5 years old and this is totally out of character for him, so I was ecstatic to see this behaviour! After his swimming lesson he is allowed to have one sweet. This he had straight after his lesson before he got changed. After his brother finished his lesson he got his own sweet, and the member of staff offered my eldest another one. He said "no thank you, I have already had one". She allowed him another one and I praised him for his honesty and told him how proud I was of his behaviour.

According to John Medina in his book "Brain Rules for Baby" impulse control is crucial for academic success. He states "children who could delay gratification for 15 minutes scored 210 points higher on their SATs than children who lasted one minute. To quote Wikipedia: "Mischel pioneered work illuminating the ability to delay gratification and to exert self-control in the face of strong situational pressures and emotionally “hot” temptations. His studies with preschoolers in the late 1960s, often referred to as "the marshmallow experiment", examined the processes and mental mechanisms that enable a young child to forego immediate gratification and to wait instead for a larger desired but delayed reward. Continuing research with these original participants has examined how preschool delay of gratification ability links to development over the life course, and may predict a variety of important outcomes (e.g., SAT scores, social and cognitive competence, educational attainment, and drug use), and can have significant protective effects against a variety of potential vulnerabilities.^[2] (Mischel et al., 1989; Mischel & Ayduk, 2004)".

Medina goes on to explain that this is because "Executive function relies on a child's ability to filter out distracting (in this case tempting) thoughts, which is critical in environments that are over saturated with sensory stimuli and myriad on-demand choices... Once the brain has chosen relevant stimuli from a noisy pile of irrelevant choices, executive function allows the brain to stay on task and say no to unproductive distractions." In "Brain Rules for Baby" he outlines what his happening in the brain. If you are interested I heartily recommend you read the book. He also states "A child's brain can be trained to enhance self control and other aspects of executive function. But genes are undoubtedly involved. There seems to be an innate schedule of development, which explains why the cookie experiment shows a difference in scores between kindergartners and sixth graders. Some kids display the behaviours earlier, some later. Some struggle with it their entire lives. It's one more way every brain is wired differently. But children who are able to filter out distractions, the data show, do far better in school".